Adulting. At 36.

I've lived with myself long enough to know that it's not my teachers fault. So, when "Lloyd", one row up and one seat to the left turns around in class to stage whisper "if everyone is having a hard time with the project, it proves he's not a good teacher!" I have a hard time not blurting out " well, I haven't actually been prioritizing this class the way that I obviously need to" or  "half the class learned how to cite in MLA format in high-school" or  "don't be such a rude jerk". I mumble something about my not prioritizing, and turn my attention back to the teacher. He's apologizing for berating us on our poor citation skills and giving us a quick overview of the method, telling us again which websites to refer to.

What he's said has hit home though, and a part of my mind runs over why I didn't do this assignment correctly. I did it last minute, it was close to bedtime, Taz was melting down and I finished as quickly as I could, knowing it wasn't exactly in format but thinking it didn't really matter.  Also, no matter what people say, I've realized recently that I don't actually believe it's important to follow instructions precisely. There are lot's of phrases that sum up my attitude, "in the ball park", "the gist of it", "the general idea", you get the picture. Somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good. Enough.

I've spent the last 12 years trying to develop the personal business skills that are required to do something as monumentally hoop jumping as graduating from university. The first few years I gave myself art project assignments, ones that I was already interested in and already doing. I practiced getting to work on time, not calling out sick, following through on home care tasks like making food regularly and cleaning the dishes. If these small steps sound laughable to you, congratulations, you're ahead of me on the grown up scale. Maybe you should write a blog outlining how you did it, to help people who struggle with every step they take toward adulthood, like I have.

When I finally got to a point where this all felt second nature (and there was a shove from life that seemed to make it absolutely necessary) I jumped into the secondary education canoe again. I paddled my way through introductory courses for health, anthropology, and environmental science. I portaged the uninviting landscape of choosing a career path. I forged ahead through the summer semester, taking a full load in block classes and ended up here, in English 2010, with a 20 page research paper to write, an analysis on the symbolism in Shakespeare's Macbeth, and a couple of other in-class analyses/essays to write in the next 3 weeks. I'm drowning in homework and consistently giving my English assignments the short end of the stick when it comes to my time and attention.

What this all really means is that it's time to start from the beginning again; time to practice the follow through skills that are the building blocks of accomplishing goals. It's not about finding a topic that I'm passionate about. It's not about finding the right teacher with the right teaching style. It's about me prioritizing my homework, following through on the details of my assignments and letting other things, like the dishes, and Loyd's unwanted in-class comments go for the time being. It's about being flexible, creative and compassionate--with myself, my homework, my family and my teacher. And Lloyd.

And, Lloyd, it's also about not being a rude jerk.

Let's be real

Let's be real.

The space bar on my laptop only works occasionally and the double u doesn't orkatall.

I have one child. That's enough for me. My brain, my energy levels, my ability to organize and plan, they are already stretched thin. And I know approximately what you want to say. It will probably fall into one of two categories. Something along the lines of "God will provide" (Have Faith Anna) or "won't Taz be lonely?" (Be a Good Parent Anna). Nobody is trying to give a guilt trip, I know this, and a lot of advice comes from personal anxiety that one does not have enough faith and one is not a good enough parent. Also, these are thoughts that I am continually evaluating. Is a lack of faith in the world and the universe preventing me from living life to the fullest? Is it getting in the way of my happiness? Is it getting in the way of my having an ideal marriage? Is it keeping me from having good relationships? Is it keeping me from being a good parent? Am I a good enough parent?

Is this even important to wonder? Of course. Evaluating what you are doing and anticipating where behaviors and habits will lead you is critical to getting to a place you want to be (emotionally, financially, socially, physically, take your pick).

Versions of the Serenity Prayer, by Reinhold Neibuhr, get passed around social media, and used in motivational speaking quite frequently, if you're not familiar with it, the original goes like this:

God, give me grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking, as Jesus did,

This sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that You will make all things right,

If I surrender to Your will,

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

Now,  before you roll your eyes and mutter under your breath something about kitschy quotes that don't have anything to do with current modern life, let's remember that kitsch sticks around for a reason, and I think that reason is that it actually strikes a chord in many people, if they allow it to. Basically, this is saying that some things are worth worrying about and working on, and some things are not.

So how does one come to a place of acceptance while still pursuing progress (personal, educational, relationship, financial, you name it). How do you balance on that fine line of feeling happy, confident, and ready for challenge without falling to either the side of complacently ignoring the need for change or the side of grabbing so much for future enjoyment and stability that the present experience is ruined, not just for yourself but potentially for everyone around you?

I've investigated some suggestions; minimalism, Marie Kondo-ing, yoga, deliberate focus on the present moment, energy work to let go of emotional hangups, medication, saying "no"... actually, I got so good at saying "no" at one point, that it became my reflexive answer for everything, and I realized that it probably wasn't an appropriate answer to the question : "do you ant to hear something interesting?" . I also tried saying "yes" to everything. That wasn't successful either. Just so you know, too much "no" leads to under scheduling and loneliness, and too much "yes" leads to over scheduling and overwhelm.

Here's my opinion:

Schedule. Schedule schedule schedule.

Practice personal follow through.

Reflect.

Get to know yourself.

Practice personal acceptance.

Occasionally, treat yo' self.


If you're reading this, I probably already know you and love you. If I don't know you yet, I bet I'd love you if I met you, that just seems to be how I roll.